The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms
by Kaori
Summary: The fifth Shinobi's Guide. Our saga continues with the bizarre tales akin to touring the Ripley's vault. Shinobi's Guide is now officially your Icha Icha Paradise. Go out and convert.
1. In the Beginning there was the Scheme

Wow, how drunk was I?

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Chapter One: In the Beginning there was the Scheme  
By Kaori

Some person with a lot of time on his hands said, "everyone has something ancestral even if it is nothing more than a disease." For most families, it is some trinket that belonged to a particularly illustrious ancestor. In the case of shinobi families, this item is usually a weapon, article of clothing, or jewellery of some sort; occasionally it's a bust or painting. In the case of old shinobi families, said item often carries a hidden power; incidentally fifty percent of the time it is an incredibly ugly thing and even if it isn't it is very likely cursed.

Given that last bit of information one has to ask: why? Why would anybody be crazy and/or stupid enough to keep something like that in his possession? And then you realize that you just indirectly answered your own question.

Human beings are, for all intents and purposes, stupid creatures (and only a few are genuinely crazy). Even a packrat will get rid of an item if it causes pain or misfortune to itself. A human will keep an item for centuries simply because it has been passed down from generation to generation and no one has, as yet, had the guts to dispose of it; or maybe it has some great monetary value and the greed tends to make one overlook the fact that one wrong move and some unspeakable horror will be visited upon them. If you don't believe me, watch any episode of Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Whatever the reason, such things tend to attract…unsavoury types who are only interested in the power or value of the item and tend to overlook (or not care) that the same could summon the wrath of the netherworld. It's those kind of people that our story begins with…

"Sasori, stop playing with yourself, yeah. The Boss wants to see us, yeah." Deidra said from the doorway. The puppet master, who had been tinkering with new parts for his body glared at him.

"That joke's getting really old, Deidra."

"I think it's classic, yeah."

The Akatsuki headquarters is located in a cave somewhere in River Country. Caves have a certain natural feeling of foreboding and apparently the leader of the Akatsuki (whom we shall call Ted) has a thing for dark, damp, spooky places or just an acute aversion to sunlight.

"Sasori, Deidra I am sending you on a most important assignment." Said Ted. "You are to go to Otogakure."

"You want us to get the ring back from Orochimaru, yeah?" asked Deidra.

"No, and don't interrupt me."

"Sorry, Ted-sama yeah."

"Hn. As I was saying, you are to go to Otogakure. Orochimaru has in his possession the legendary Obake Box and I want you to take it from him."

"Ted-sama," Sasori ventured. "What is the Obake Box?"

"It's an artefact capable of summoning demons." Ted explained. "It was rumoured that it was used to bring the bijuu here. It might be useful in helping us to obtain the bijuu from their jinchuriki."

"I see."

After returning to their rooms for supplies, the two set off from Kawa no Kuni to Otogakure.

"Did you remember to water Zetsu?" Sasori asked offhand.

"Tobi can do that, yeah. He is Zetsu's little toy after all, yeah." Muttered Deidra.

"Are you sure he's not keeping Tobi as an emergency food supply? He does have that bad habit of eating people after all."

"At least he stopped eating the live ones, yeah." Shrugged Deidra. "People make the most horrible noises when they're being eaten alive, yeah." Silence for a while and then, "Why would Ted-sama want the Obake Box?"

"Who knows, but getting into Oto is going to be a pain. I don't get why Ted-sama sent us for this. Orochimaru hates me, and he's leery of anybody that even smells like they could be Akatsuki members. So we can't just blow the place up like we would do normally."

"Why didn't he ask Itachi and Kisame? They're better suited for sneaking around, yeah."

"They're too busy chasing the Kyuubi all over creation."

Before we continue I should point out that Itachi and Kisame were not, in fact, chasing the Kyuubi all over creation, but a small wild pig in the forest.

"Our dinner is getting away, Kisame."

"Shut up!"

Scratch that, Kisame is chasing the pig and Itachi is sitting in a tree looking amused.

Yeah…ummm…you know what, just forget I brought that up.

Anyway, two weeks later, Orochimaru was engrossed in his weekly narcissistic ritual of going over ever strand of his hair to make sure that he didn't have split ends. Kabuto, knowing that his master would do absolutely nothing important until he was finished, decided to annoy the Sound Four. Maybe if he did it long enough, Tayuya will spout an insult interesting enough to use in battle.

Outside of Otogakure, two figures pushing a turnip cart were seen making their way towards the village walls. Twelve hours later, the same turnip cart exploded outside of Orochimaru's lair and the two turnip vendors were nowhere to be found. Orochimaru, having just finished clipping the last of his split ends, was noticeably upset. Not about the box being stolen (it was a family heirloom that he kept forgetting to pawn), and not the fact that someone had managed to break into his secret base. No, he was upset that now there was a gaping hole in his personal bathroom and dirty footprints all over his study.

"This will not do." He seethed. He spotted a couple of chuunin gawking at the damage. "You two, fix this mess immediately." He then went in search of Kabuto. Useless item or not, nobody steals from him and gets away with it.

"That was too easy, yeah." Deidra said, as he and Sasori hauled ass back to Akatsuki HQ.

"Way too easy, but then again Orochimaru takes in whatever trash he can find. Every once in a while he finds something useful but it's not enough to keep the likes of us out."

"It also helps that the guards like turnips yeah."

Ted was pleased. His subordinates had completed their mission most handily and now, the famed Obake box was in his possession. However, one question still remained: now that he had it, what was he going to do with it?

What indeed? We're deviating from our usual jaunt through the rabbit hole of depravity by starting this story off with the Akatsuki and giving each chapter a title.

**To the nitpickers and critics**: Go away. I know when I screw up; you are not dealing with a Narutard or a dub monkey. This is what happens when you don't have a beta reader. And no I'm not going to correct it. None of you read the chapter the second time it's posted anyway. Be grateful I at least attempt to do spell and grammar checks and get on with your lives. If you can't enjoy it for what it is then just don't read.

**To Clark Cradic**: Congratulations, you were right. You are now officially a member of The Depraved Masses. Here's your ID card, The Young and the Shurikenless DVD, and Ninja Humiliation Kit.

**To Peter Kim**: I wasn't going to have the Akatsuki in this story at all, but then I reconsidered. However, I am not putting Yamato, Sai, and Danzo in here because: 1) I don't have nearly enough background information on Sai and Danzo to work with except that Sai is obsessed with penises and Danzo hates Tsunade. 2) The Shinobi's Guide series takes place between the time Sasuke is released from the hospital and assumes that the Sound Four weren't able to convince Sasuke to leave for some reason which would exclude those three from the timeline for the moment.

As for Orochimaru and Itachi attempting to murder Naruto because of the play… I thought about it, and could only come up with one chapter for that. It may become a side-story. Speaking of side stories…

WARNING SHAMELESS PLUGGING!

Be on the lookout for Cliff Notes for Ninjas. All the depravity that I wanted to make into guides but couldn't write any more than two chapters for. Holy plot bunnies Batman!


	2. Obake Baka Bakayaro

And now, a public service announcement from Hyuuga Hiashi…

IMBECILES! SPEAK NOT OF THE ACCURSED POSSESSED BRA!

This has been a public service announcement from Hyuuga Hiashi. And now on to our regularly scheduled fanfiction.

A/N: 8-bit Theatre reference.

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Chapter Two: Obake Baka Bakayaro  
By Kaori

Ted, the powerful Lord of the Akatsuki (and the true Lord of the Dance…), was baffled. He'd been trying all morning to summon a demon from the Obake Box and has had absolutely no success. He tried magic words. He tried chanting, he tried hanging cheese over the box trying to tempt the demons to come out. He even tried saying "pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top" but nothing worked. So he did the only other thing he could think of: order his underlings to summon a demon or be killed. Which, depending on what ends up being summoned, could result in the same thing.

"So…what are we supposed to do with this thing?" Kisame yawned.

"Apparently, summon demons." Sasori said, annoyed. He had been looking forward to watching Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys and now he was going to miss it. Again.

"What about a human sacrifice yeah?" Deidra suggested.

"And just who are we going to get for that provided that it will even work?" Itachi said mildly, raising an eyebrow for effect. Deidra, Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi looked at Tobi.

"Please no. Tobi is a good boy! Right Zetsu?" Tobi looked pitifully at his only friend in the Akatsuki.

"We are not going to sacrifice Tobi." Zetsu said. "Who is going to get my Miracle Gro if he's not around?"

"We'll find you another underling, Zetsu." Kisame patted the cannibal where he thought his shoulder was. Tobi looked horrified.

Ten minutes later…

"Tobi stop crying." Said Itachi, as he wrote several lines of kanji on the poor half-naked boy. "You're going to wash the blood off of your face."

"Where'd you get the blood from on such short notice anyway?" Sasori asked.

"…"

Somewhere further down in the cave…

"Oh my God! Speak to me Nanase!"

"I…Itachi…you bastard… Avenge me, Hikaru…"

"Are you crazy I don't want to die yet."

Back to the ritual sacrifice…

"What are you writing anyway?" Sasori tried to look over Itachi's shoulder but reconsidered and got under the younger nin's elbow. " 'Today's special – one good boy. First come, first served. Get it while it's still warm...' You are a very disturbed young man."

"You're one to talk." Itachi said quietly, frowning in concentration. "Stop squirming, Tobi." Tobi started crying again.

"Do we really have to sacrifice Tobi?" Zetsu asked.

"Well…no but he's convenient and we don't have to go through the trouble of chasing down a random underling." Said Kisame.

"This is wrong! Horribly, horribly wrong!" wailed Tobi. Fortunately for him, Ted-sama walked in.

"What's going on in here?" demanded Ted-sama. "I didn't authorize any human sacrifices." Deidra explained the situation to him. "Imbeciles, you're doing it all wrong. Everyone knows it doesn't work unless the sacrifice is a naked, virgin girl. And besides that you misspelled cholesterol."

"So we should go out and get a virgin then?" Kisame asked.

"No!" Ted-sama, getting really annoyed with the level of inanity in the room picked up the Obake Box and threw it at the nearest person.

"Ouch, yeah!" Deidra complained. "Hey, there's something written on the bottom of the box."

"Let me see that." Said Zetsu, taking the object. " 'For a good time call 557-8240.'"

"Not that." Said Deidra, taking the box back and pointing to the writing underneath. "This."

"Oh, 'Instructions for Proper Operation of Obake Box'."

"Well, that's handy." Blinked Itachi.

"Glad that's settled. Get to it." Ordered Ted-sama. "I'm going to go prank call Orochimaru." Nobody batted an eye at that. Prank calling Orochimaru was one of the things they did to pass the time between capturing jinchurikis.

"Okay, Step One:" Sasori read out loud as he was now in possession of the box. "Knock on the lid of the box four times." He did it. "Step Two: Light four incense sticks and arrange them in the corners of the room." Tobi ran off to get some incense, the ritual continued when he returned. "Step Three: Place box in the centre of the room and open it. Stand back."

Had Sasori bothered to look before setting the box down, he would have seen that there was a fourth instruction: Warning – Do not under any circumstances perform this ritual if you are male.

Remember kids, always read the instructions thoroughly before attempting to harness the power of the underworld.

There was a horrible explosion, followed by a howling wind and the room practically freezing over, lastly, there were six loud pops and one very loud "WHAT THE HELL!"

The person who designed the Obake Box was a woman who hated men with a vengeance. If a female used the Obake Box she could summon demons and inflict her feminine wrath on the world. However, if a man tried to use the box they wouldn't summon a demon, they'd take on the appearance of one, which would lead to more trouble than it was worth since you only looked like a demon.

"Sasori! Why are you still normal!" yelled a very upset Deidra who was turned into a tengu. Sasori shrugged.

"Maybe it only works on human bodies."

"This is most unsatisfactory." Said Zetsu, who now looked like a cross between a Venus flytrap (think Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors) and an irate cucumber.

"I agree." Itachi, the kamaitachi (not the technique. The technique was named after the obakemono) looked about as angry as a weasel can be. Tobi had been turned into a hitotsumekozou and Kisame in the form of an amefurikozou. Just then, Ted came back looking very pleased with himself. Orochimaru had fallen for the "is your refrigerator running" ploy again.

"Sasori, I see you were successful." Said Ted-sama.

"Huh?" Sasori said, confusedly before suddenly seeing the opportunity not to be dead. "Oh…yes."

"But where are the others?"

"Err…they're out getting…virgins. Yes, that's right. Apparently in order to summon more powerful demons you need to sacrifice virgins."

"I see. Very good. Keep me informed, I'm going for milk and cookies." He left and Sasori looked as relieved as a puppet can. Kisame smacked him upside the head.

"What did you tell him that for?"

"I didn't hear you coming up with any brilliant ideas!" shot back Sasori. Itachi, ever the voice of reason (and sometimes controlled lunacy) suggested that instead of arguing they should concentrate on finding a way to reverse the curse. After all, Ted-sama might get it into his head to use them for his plan instead of the bijuu. They needed to fix this, quickly. So they called up the only person who might know how…

"Why do I have to do it?" Itachi mumbled.

"It was your idea, besides he's scared of you, yeah." Said Deidra. The Uchiha gave an annoyed grunt.

"Hello? Orochimaru? This is Uchiha Itachi…No my brother isn't with me….That's nice, really, but listen, you wouldn't happen to know how to reverse the effects of the Obake Box would you?" a pause. "No that was Sasori and Deidra….Sasori didn't turn into anything, apparently puppets are immune…" There was a long pause and then Itachi turned to the two artists. "Orochimaru says he's going to kill you both." He hung up the phone.

"Well? What about the cure?" Kisame asked impatiently.

"Ah yes…about that…" Itachi scratched the back of his head (which is both cute and disturbing at the same time). "Tobi, come here a moment." Tobi, because he is a good boy, did as he was told. "Now don't move. INNA NERTS NO JUTSU!" Tobi looked confused and then fell over howling in pain when Itachi kicked him in the…well you know. On the upside, he didn't look like a hitotsumekozou anymore.

"Is that really the cure?" Kisame looked horrified.

"Apparently so." Said Itachi. "I didn't expect Orochimaru not to lie to us…" Suddenly Tobi changed back. "Oh, I see. It's only a temporary fix."

"Why do you hate me?" squeaked Tobi, still on the floor in pain.

"Give me the phone." Grunted Kisame and he called back the snake sennin. "Orochimaru… Yeah. Tobi, why?" he frowned. "Stop laughing it's not _that_ funny." To himself he thought "it probably will be later though." "Will you just tell us what the real cure is!" Kisame looked very angry. "What do you mean 'no'? Listen you old fart…hello? Hello? Damn it he hung up on me!"

"Now what do we do?" griped Zetsu.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Sasori was completely relaxed. "You guys have the problem."

"We could try the Obake Box again." Tobi suggested weakly. Kisame kicked him in the shin.

"You want something worse to happen?"

Itachi, being the awesome genius that he is, had been casually flipping through the pages of The Grimoire of Curses: Ineffectual and Otherwise while Kisame had been on the phone. "It says here," he said calmly. "that the most effective way to get rid of a curse is to acquire another one."

"And just how are we to go about doing that, yeah?" Deidre muttered. "Cursed objects aren't really all that common, yeah."

"I know of one…"

Good heavens, what could Itachi be thinking of? Besides, if they get another curse, won't it have to be worse than the curse they already have? And why did I torture Tobi like that? Keep reading because this crazy train is just starting to pick up speed.

Author's Ending Notes: I _knew_ I should have just gone ahead and started with the Accursed Possessed Bra (narrowly avoids being jyuukened by Hyuuga Hiashi)! Don't worry, it's coming. I'm not sure when or how but it's coming…

By the way, do you guys realize how perverted you sound asking "where is the bra?"


	3. Witch's Wares

Ah, Spring! Where's my Tom Lehrer CD, it's the perfect time to play "Poisoning Pigeons in thePark"!

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Chapter Three: Witch's Wares  
By Kaori

One of the downsides of being in the Akatsuki is that you frequently find yourself in sticky situations; although, in this case, it was more literal…

"Dammit Itachi are you sure you know where we're going?" growled Sasori. "I'm getting sap in my joints and it's going to take a week to clear all of it out!"

"Kitcherbitchin!" Kisame demanded. "I'm sticky too, but you don't hear me whining like a sissy."

Itachi was leading his cohorts up the inside of a massive tree which, for seemingly no reason, was never in the same place for more than a week at a time. How the Uchiha knew how to find it was yet to be revealed and no one dared to ask. Especially when he kept glaring at them. Truth be told, Itachi didn't want to be here but it was either this or the Accursed Possessed Bra in the Hyuuga Compound.

Somewhere in Konoha, Hyuuga Hiashi looked around suspiciously. "Who dares speak of the Accursed Possessed Bra?" he whispered. "It's _you_ isn't it!" he screeched, rounding on a Main House member who had the misfortune to be caught talking to himself (we all know the entire Hyuuga household has issues, the Hokage needs to stop ignoring it and get these folks some counselling).

Itachi shivered. "Last resort _only_." He muttered.

"What did you say, Itachi?" Zetsu asked.

"We're almost there."

The group stood in front of an oversized door made out of oak (which seemed kind of silly since the tree they were currently inside was a giant ash tree) with the words "Kurodate Dakki – Evil Witch and Apothecary" carved into it in ornate letters. Itachi turned to his cohorts and looked at them gravely.

"No matter what, _don't_ eat the lemon meringue pie." He warned. The others looked confused but nodded. Satisfied, Itachi knocked on the door. Before he could properly withdraw his hand, the door swung open and a gnarled hand with long nails grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him inside.

"The rest of you may as well come in too." A deceptively sweet, but no doubt elderly, voice called out. Hesitantly, the other Akatsuki members walked in.

They had been expecting a dark room with glowing crystals, bubbling beakers full of unidentifiable liquids, jars of preserved body parts from various creatures, and a crow with one eye on a skull perch glaring at everything. They weren't expecting grandma's living room.

It was as pleasant as pleasant can be inside the room. There was a lovely fireplace with an overstuffed armchair in front of it; a ginger cat was sleeping on one of the arms. A few feet away from that cosy little scene, was a table with eight settings. Itachi was already seated (and looking most perturbed) near the head of the table and to his right was an old woman pouring tea.

To say Dakki was short is like saying that Orochimaru is deranged; she was only four feet tall. Her ridiculously long, dark blue hair stopped at her ankles (think Washu) and her eyes were the cloudy colour usually associated with blindness although those present got the feeling she could see better than any Hyuuga could hope to. "Don't just stand there," she said in that deceptively sweet voice and beckoned with a bony finger. "come sit down."

Once they were all seated, Dakki poured them all a cup of tea. "Can I offer you boys something to eat? Cookies? Biscuits? Chocolate Cake? Lemon meringue pie?" her eyes got a dangerous psychotic glint when she mentioned the pie.

"No thank you Dakki-obaachan." Itachi said hurriedly. The others looked at him askance. Was he related to this woman?

"I insist, Itachikins."

"Itachikins?" snickered Kisame. Itachi sighed. _That_ was part of the reason he didn't want to come here.

"And who might you be young man?" Dakki asked, smiling like the sweet, old lady she appeared to be.

"Er…Hoshigaki Kisame…ma'am." Kisame looked disturbed. For some strange reason he _really_ didn't want to be rude to this woman.

"Oh, do call me Dakki-obaachan like Itachikins does. In fact, you all may call me Dakki-obaachan." She took a sip of her tea. "Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?"

"Um…some chocolate cake would be nice, Dakki-obaachan." Tobi said, hesitantly.

"All right, I'll bring the cake out and then you can tell me how you all managed to get cursed by the Obake Box." Dakki hopped down from her chair and made her way over to where everyone assumed the kitchen was.

"Itachi, let's get out of here. That woman scares me." Kisame said hurriedly.

"I'm with him, yeah." Deidara agreed.

"You want to continue to looking like that?" Itachi snorted. Kisame's eyes widened.

"Hey, that's right, we still look like demons! Even Ted-sama didn't know it was us so how…"

"She's a witch. Witches don't see the world the same way…" he was about to say "normal people" but then he realized being a mass murderering shinobi wasn't exactly normal. "we do."

"I want to eat her so badly." Rumbled Zetsu. "But when I look at her I feel…guilty…for even thinking about it. Why?"

"What part of 'she's a witch' don't you get?" glared Sasori. "Obviously it's a spell of some sort. What I want to know is what is so bad about the lemon meringue pie? I _like_ lemon meringue pie!"

"Why do you care? It's not like you can eat it anyway." Itachi rolled his eyes. Somehow Sasori looked like he was going to cry.

"That was mean, Itachi."

"Here's the cake!" sing-songed Dakki, as she half walked, half skipped in; looking for all the world like a harmless, sweet, old woman. Everyone in the room knew better but were powerless to do anything about it.

Dakki served them all a piece of cake (even Sasori) and then sat back down. "Now then, Itachikins." She poured herself some more tea. "Explain."

In as much detail as he could manage without things becoming even more embarrassing (the fact that he couldn't stop his nose from twitching didn't help matters), Itachi told Dakki what happened while the old woman sipped her tea and made the occasional humming noise. When the Uchiha was finished explaining Dakki put down her teacup.

"Right then. I think I have what you need." A large book suddenly poofed onto the table in front of Dakki and she casually flipped through the pages as she spoke. "Are you sure you don't want some lemon meringue pie?" again the strange glint in her eyes.

"No thank you, Dakki-obaachan."

"If I do this for you, what's in it for me?" the temperature in the room dropped several degrees. Itachi didn't seem to notice or care as he gave a long-suffering sigh.

" I'll…give you some of my blood when I'm back to normal." The others almost spat out their cake in shock.

"You've got yourself a deal, Itachikins!" Dakki hastily flipped through her book and pointed to a page. "Will this do?" Itachi leaned in for a closer look.

Dakki was pointing to a picture of a man with his hand on a golden ball.

"What is that?" Itachi asked.

"That is the essence of Midas' Touch." Explained the old witch. "After touching that, anything and everything you touch is turned to gold."

"How is that a curse, Dakki-obaachan?" Tobi asked.

"Are you kidding? When I said anything and everything I _meant_ anything and everything." She leered. The males in the room pales slightly. "This ought to get rid of your present curse as this one is far more potent than a mere change of apperance."

"And, how would we remove this curse?"

"Ah, that information will cost you extra."

"Will some of Kisame's teeth do?" asked Itachi.

"Itachi!" protested Kisame. Before he could do more, Dakki was standing in his lap and inspecting his mouth.

"Hmm…oh yes, these will do very nicely." Chuckled Dakki and then deftly hopped onto the table.

"Then we have a deal?" deadpanned Itachi.S

"Yes, we have a deal." She went over to a cabinet and pulled out a gold, basketball-sized globe. After setting it on the table she said, "just place your hand on it and say 'trust the Midas touch.' The ball will do the rest."

Feeling silly, but not about to question the witch, the Akatsuki members did as they were told. A brilliant flash of gold and the cursed ones got their bodies back. Deidara, wanting proof of his new status, tapped Sasori on the shoulder with his cursed hand. Sasor's entire left arm turned to gold.

"Noo! It's ruined now!" cried Sasori.

"Well, we know it works."Dakki said cheerfully. "Time to pay up gentlemen…" she pulled out a large needle and a pair of pliars from seemingly nowhere.

Several minutes later, Dakki had about a pint of Itachi's blood, six of Kisame's teeth and a shit-eating grin on her face. Itachi looked a little pale but still as impassive as ever while Kisame looked like he wanted to throttle Itachi.

"You're lucky these grow back quickly." Growled Kisame. Itachi didn't dignify that with an answer. "Hey, Dakki-obaachan, how do we get rid of this new curse?"

"You have to bathe in the filthiest river in all the elemental countries." Dakki said gravely. "Incidentally it's near Iwagakure."

"Not the Pig's River, yeah." Maoned Deidara.

"Of course you'd know it D-chan, you used to be a stone-nin, weren't you deary." It was a statement not a question. Deidara flinched slightly. "I'm a witch, dear it only makes sense that I know things like that."

"Did you know we were coming?" Zetsu asked.

"What do you think?" And just like that, everything vanished before their eyes leaving five confused Akatsuki members and Tobi, Akatsuki in waiting.

"So…now what do we do?" blinked Tobi.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kisame said. "We go home, turn everything in our rooms into gold, pawn the stuff, get rich, and then go jump in the lake or whatever it is."

"By the way, Itachi, what did that crazy witch want with your blood and Kisame's teeth?" Sasori asked. Itachi regarded him askance.

"…"

Inside the tree…

"Aaahahahahaaaaa! Soon, my greatest creation will be complete! Itachi's blood will be the catalyst for my super youthful beauty serum and the shark man's teeth are perfect for my new necklace with earrings to match! Once I get Orochimaru's hair for my wig, nothing will stop me from winning the Miss Witchcraft Pageant! Aaahahahahaaaaa!"

_Wow, and they say I'm cracked. Next chapter we're leaving the Akatsuki for a little while to take a jaunt over to Sunagakure where Kankuro has just received a package…_


	4. Who's Pulling the Strings?

You have now all subconsciously converted the Pastafarianism! The Flying Spaghetti Monster demands tribute! Buy "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" by Bobby Henderson (if nothing else than for the noodle jokes). Ramen! (Yes Naruto is a Pastafarian…)

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Chapter Three: Who's Pulling the Strings?  
By Kaori

Temari idly flipped through the day's mail. "Bill, bill, bill, hate mail, bill, letter from the crybaby, bill, bill, letter from Naruto, bill, letter from the Friends of Jinchuurikis? What the hell? Bill, bill, package slip…package slip?" she eyed the last object closer. "Kankuro!"

"What?" Kankuro yelled back from his room.

"Somebody sent you a package. Go get it."

Kankuro stomped out slightly annoyed. He was in the middle of doing maintenance on his puppets. He snatched the package slip out of Temari's hand and glared at it before stuffing it into his pocket. "This better be worth it or somebody's going to get maimed."

The SPO (Sunagakure Post Office) was set up on the far side of the village and employed some of the most irritable non-shinobi you will ever meet. They had forms for everything and all had to filled out in quadruplicate. Worse still, if you made a mistake on one you had to do everything all over again from the beginning. Kankuro spent two hours and twenty-six minutes filling out forms before getting angry and threatening to report them to the Kazekage if they didn't just give him his package.

If he had been anyone else, that wouldn't have worked. Still, it's very embarrassing that he threatens to sic his little brother on people. Oh well, pride is overrated anyway.

"What took you so long?" Temari asked from where she was lounging on the couch.

"Shut up." Kankuro said testily, manoeuvring himself so that the door wouldn't close on his foot. "Damn bitchy postal workers… You know, one of these days they'll all flip out and massacre the whole village."

"Don't be stupid. Everyone knows postal workers are harmless. The only thing you have to fear from those anal idiots is paperwork."

"Right. Remind me to say I told you so when they're disembowelling you with a letter opener during the uprising." He murmured and went to his room.

Placing the box on the bed, he removed the brown wrapping and tossed it into a corner. There was a note taped to the top. "Dear Kankuro, we found this puppet when were cleaning out storage room and we thought you might like it. Grandma." He threw the letter over his shoulder and opened the box.

Inside the box, nestled almost lovingly in the packing peanuts, was the most lifelike puppet Kankuro had ever seen. It was the size of a small child and dressed in a dark blue kimono. It had long straight, black hair, a cute button nose, and beautiful, big brown eyes that seemed to be watching you. Like most Suna marionettes, this one didn't have any strings as the puppeteer would provide them with his chakra.

Carefully, almost reverently, he removed the puppet from the box. It flopped over at the waist as if it were bowing in greeting. On the back if the kimono, written in red katakana, was the name "Katsure".

"Hello to you too." Muttered Kankuro. "Why the hell did they send me this girly-looking thing?" Curious, he created some chakra strings and connected them to the puppet, making it "stand". Suddenly, the puppet looked at him. "Ah!" he severed the connection. Tentatively he picked the puppet up again and examined it; turning it this way and that. "Must have been my imagination." He formed the chakra strings again. This time, nothing unusual happened.

Kankuro was surprised at the fluidity of movement the puppet possessed. Whoever had made this was very skilled; even the finger joints on the hands worked like human hands. He was about to find out if he could make the puppet throw shuriken when Temari called him downstairs for dinner.

As Kankuro left the room, the eyes of the puppet glowed for just a moment.

"Ugh… I swear she poisons the food." Groaned Kankuro as he flopped onto his bed. "Damn Gaara making me eat his share too. Why do we even let Temari cook anyway?" Wriggling under the sheet his eyes flickered over to his newest puppet. As he closed his eyes, he swore it was smiling at him…

In the morning when he woke up he felt incredibly stiff and then he realized that he couldn't move. "What the hell…" he thought, looking around his room which seemed way bigger than when he went to bed. Come to think of it, why wasn't he in bed? Why was he on the floor?

"It's about time you woke up, I was getting bored." A voice, his own voice, said. There was a sensation of being picked up and then he found himself looking into his own eyes. Inside his mind, he screamed.

Ah, sirs and madams, this tragic story really start two hundred year ago. Ack sorry I had a Jusenkyo Guide moment there… Ahem…

Two hundred years ago an old magician whose grandson, his only living relative, was suffering from a terrible illness created a body out of wood in hopes that he could somehow save his grandson's spirit. The boy, Katsure, died the day after the body was finished. Unfortunately, the old man had no way of knowing that giving the spirit a body to inhabit was not enough, the body and the spirit had to have a connection in order for the spirit to move it. The old man died and Katsure, was left alone in the wooden body.

Over the years, Katsure grew more and more bitter and the sheer power of his anger gave him enough power to move on his own. He vowed one day to escape from his prison. It took him thirty-seven years but he did it.

A travelling merchant found him when he rested at Katsure's long-empty house. Katsure, being the grandson of a magician, managed to swap bodies with the merchant when he was asleep. Unfortunately, his sprit had been anchored to the wooden body for so long that he could not venture very far from it and had to carry the merchant everywhere he went. As the merchant didn't have a strong connection to the body, he was unable to manipulate it.

He was eventually found out by the merchant's partner when he came to examine the lifelike puppet and it spoke to him. Apparently the merchant worked up enough willpower to work the puppet's mouth. After tying up Katsure in his sleep, the merchant's friend took him to an old witch and had him exorcised. Katsure was returned to the puppet body and the puppet was then put into a box and locked away.

Twenty years after that day, somebody else found Katsure, but this person, merely placed him in a curio case where he spent the next thirty-two years gathering dust before being given to Kankuro's grandmother as a gift. Eleven years later the puppet was given to Kankuro which brings us to the here and now.

Kankuro watched in horror as the spirit in his body stretched appreciatively. "You have no idea how happy I am to be able to move again." Said the usurper.

"Who are you?" Kankuro demanded mentally.

"My name is Demukaira Katsure." The spirit bowed comically. "And I thank you for letting me have your body."

"I did no such thing! Hey, wait, how can you hear me?"

"That body you are in used to be mine. I have a connection to it so naturally I know what you're thinking."

"Really?" Kankuro started thinking very dirty thoughts. Katsure, in Kankuro's body, blushed.

"Gah! Stop that!"

"Make me." Even dirtier thoughts followed.

"Argh! I command you to stop!"

"Nah, this is actually kind of fun." Scenes worthy of Icha Icha Paradise danced across Katsure's mind.

"Kankuro what are you doing up there?" Gaara demanded from downstairs.

"Nothing!" squeaked Katsure, the body suit was feeling a little warm and a bit too tight in a certain area. Inside the puppet's body, Kankuro snickered.

"Whatever, just keep it down or I'll come up there and kill you."

Katsure glared at Kankuro before forcing himself to calm down. He could do this. Kankuro couldn't manipulate that body without a connection so he should be fine. Oh how wrong he was.

You see, being intimately knowledgeable with the workings of puppets and the fine art of chakra manipulation, Kankuro had been trying to figure out how to work it from the inside from the very start. During the little ecchi session, it came to him. Now to see if he was correct…

The usurper was most surprised when the puppet suddenly sprang up and started kicking the crap out of him. Even worse, it hurt. He had forgotten that being flesh and blood had its drawbacks.

"Give me back my body, you freak!"

"Never!" yelled Kankuro.

"You won't like it if I come up there!" yelled Gaara. The two kept fighting but kept the bickering down.

"Awk, stop pulling my hair!" whined Katsure.

"It's _my_ hair you body snatching jackass!" growled Kankuro.

The two didn't realize that they had started taking their battle outside of the room and were now rolling around the floor in Temari's room; Katsure desperately trying to get the puppet off of his face and Kankuro trying to force the spirit to return him to his rightful body. They didn't realize the mess they were making, and they didn't hear Temari's footsteps until it was much too late.

"Kaankuuuuroooooo…" Both beings looked up.

Katsure had never seen such an expression on anyone in his entire life. It was…terrifying. It was like having your nose an inch away from the jaws of a shark and knowing there was only a millisecond before you were saying goodbye to your head and hello to the afterlife. It was then that he suddenly knew that he was about to experience Hell: Enraged Female Version.

Kankuro fought the urge to cover his eyes as his sister beat on his body. It was a bittersweet feeling. On the one hand, the bastard was getting what he deserved, on the other hand it was _his_ body.

"No! Stop! Don't put that there!" screamed Katsure. "AAAAHHHH!" Kankuro wanted to cry very, very badly. "Argh I can't take anymore!" And the next thing Kankuro felt was Temari's fan slamming onto his head.

In a twisted kind of way, he was happy to be feeling anything at all.

After Kankuro got out of the hospital, he returned home to find Katsurei being dressed up in doll dresses by Temari. Muttering a quick greeting, he retreated to his room to laugh himself sick. When he finally stopped giggling, he snuck into Temari's room only to find Katsurei locked in a cabinet with the rest of Temari's doll collection. He smirked at the puppet spirit's pleading gaze and then went back to his room.

_And thus ends our little trip to Suna. Up next is more Akatsuki goodness (and if you're good, maybe some Tobi torture)._


	5. Me and My Shadow

You do realize that in the future, old people will listen to rap music. How scary is that?

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Chapter Five: Me and My Shadow  
By Kaori

The Lamp of Second Self, an item with the ability to turn the shadow of the user into a doppelganger. A unique item created by someone really pathetic, with no friends and far too much time on his hands, that really had no idea what he was messing with. Eventually the item disappeared hopefully never to be seen again. Ha, if only things were that simple…

"I hate this stupid lamp!" Kisame raged, kicking the offending object into a corner where it broke into pieces. "It's never bright enough, it burns oil way to fast, and it's ugly to boot!"

"Kisame, that was mine, yeah!" cried Deidara as he ran over to try and salvage the lamp. "It's completely ruined, yeah."

"What's the big deal, it's just a lamp."

"In that case, you can go out and get us a new one." Itachi said, coolly.

"What!"

"Well, you did break this one. It's only right you replace it." Sasori nodded.

"Itachi and Sasori are correct." Zetsu agreed.

"What is this, Gang Up on Kisame Day?" twitched Kisame.

"You only have yourself to blame." Shrugged Tobi. Kisame's eyes glinted dangerously.

"What was that you little…"

"Get going, Kisame." Itachi's emotionless tone cut through Kisame's heated glare like a cold knife.

"Er…right."

Walking through the nearby town, Kisame muttered curses under his breath. They all hated that lamp (well, except for Deidara who thought it was an artistic testament to the ultimate futility of relying on light or some crap like that) so why was he being punished for finally doing something about it? Some people have no sense of gratitude whatsoever. At any rate, he wasn't about to give the others any more reason to yell at him. He'd bring back a lamp alright and it would be a hundred times better than that red piece of foolishness (1) they'd been putting up with.

After wandering around for at least an hour, Kisame finally found a shop that sold oil lamps and walked in on a rather interesting scene.

A rather large, middle-aged woman was arguing heatedly with her small, frail-looking husband. On the counter between them were several oil lamps of various sizes and shapes. The one that caught the former mist-nin's attention was painted a dark grey with a smoke motif.

"…and nobody in their right mind will buy the damn thing, especially once you tell them what it is!" screamed the woman

"B…but Ayaka, dearest, we don't _have_ to tell them about…" stuttered her husband, which immediately earned him a vicious backhand upside the head.

"KENTARO YOU FOOL! They'll just bring it back once they start having problems!" She continued to hit and scream abuse at him.

Kisame, amused by the situation, watched them yell at each other for a while before realizing that neither of them was paying attention to him. Seeing an opportunity for a five-finger discount, he picked up the lamp he had been looking at earlier and left.

"Furthermore," Ayaka continued to berate her husband. "that lamp is… Eh? It's gone!" She was about to yell "thief" but suddenly came to a realization. "Humph. It's not our problem if someone is stupid enough to steal it."

Kisame set the lamp down in the spot the old lamp occupied and lit it. The wick burned brightly, illuminating the corner where he was standing with a nice, cheery glow.

"Much better." Nodded Kisame.

"I agree." Someone said.

Positive that he had been alone in the room, Kisame whirled around to face…

"Holy shit!"

…himself.

"Who are you?" the shark-faced man glared at his double.

"Hoshigaki Kisame." Snarled back the duplicate. "Who are you?"

"You can't be Hoshigaki Kisame, _I'm_ Hoshigaki Kisame!"

"Kisame?" Sasori's voice called from the next room. "Did you get the lamp?"

"Yes!" barked both Kisames, before glaring at each other.

"Look," Kisame number two said. "arguing isn't getting us anywhere."

"My thoughts exactly." Kisame agreed. "So why don't you cut the bullshit and show me who you really are."

"I already did."

"But you can't be me, I'm the real me!"

"Don't delude yourself. You're the impostor here." Kisame number two said, looking very agitated.

"Liar! You're the impostor!" Kisame, having enough of these games punched his double into the wall.

"The hell…" the double got up and returned the favour, then started raining blows on the former mist-nin. "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself…"

"Bastard!" Kisame threw the clone off of him and into the lamp, knocking it onto the floor, extinguishing it. Fortunately, it didn't break. He looked around for Kisame number two but didn't see him anywhere. "Where did he go?"

Kisame didn't tell anyone else about his encounter as he didn't know how to explain it without sounding insane ("and then the me who wasn't me because I'm me started punching me…" Yeah, that'll go over well).

The following evening, after a rousing game of pin the kunai on Tobi (Itachi won because he cheats), Deidara decided he was going to sit in the common room and read. He lit the new lamp and then went over to the shelf to get the book. However, when he went to sit in his favourite chair he found it was already occupied.

"That's not funny Itachi." Frowned Deidara. "Drop that henge, yeah."

"Odd, I was about to say the same to you, yeah." Said the imposter.

"Itachi…"

"What is it Deidara?" said Uchiha poked his head into the door and blinked. "I must have used the sharingan too many times today…" He muttered, and left the other Akatsuki member alone with his clone.

The two glared at each other until the oil burned out of the lamp and the doppelganger faded away. Childishly, Deidara proclaimed himself the winner and then abruptly passed out from lack of sleep.

Believing it was just some sort of weird dream, Deidara didn't mention the little staring contest he had with himself.

The next person to light the lamp was Itachi and he ended up on the business end of his own Tsukiyomi for the first time. It was a most embarrassing experience and when Sasori found him passed out and twitching on the floor Itachi refused to explain once he'd regained his senses.

However, the night after that when two Tobis brought Zetsu his Miracle Gro (2) and started squabbling over who was really the good boy, they figured something weird was going on. Itachi and Kisame were sent to the lamp dealer's place to get answers.

"No refunds!" yelled Ayaka the second the duo walked through the door.

"I stole this lamp, I wouldn't have gotten one anyway." Countered Kisame.

"Even worse, you're trying to sell me stolen property!"

"Lady I stole this from _you_!"

"Worse still! You're returning to the scene of the crime!" she glared at them. "I'll have the police on you!"

"You will do no such thing." Said Itachi, calmly staring the woman in the eyes. He cocked his head to the side. "You will tell us what is wrong with this lamp and why you seem so worried about us leaving it here." Ayaka gave an exasperated sigh and told the whole sordid story.

The lamp had been in her husband's family for as long as anyone could remember and not for lack of trying to get rid of it. To put it bluntly the damned thing was cursed. Its creator was a very pitiable man named Hojo who had created it in an attempt to cure his loneliness by turning his shadow into a real companion. It worked but there was a problem; the shadow constantly insisted that it was the original and couldn't be convinced otherwise.

Saddened that it didn't work, and convinced that it was doubly flawed because his shadow was so annoying (it didn't cross his mind that the double was only as annoying as the original), he put the lamp away.

Sometime later, he fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the village (who just happens to be her husband's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother) but was too shy to do anything about it except leave flowers on her windowsill. You can imagine how angry he was when the announcement came that she was going to marry someone else.

The entire village had been invited to the wedding, and naturally our smitten friend was there and he had a gift… the lamp. He was never seen again after the wedding but you can be sure he was never forgotten. Anybody who lit that lamp had to deal with an exact copy of himself. The first time, it would merely get into some sort of fight with you but would disappear once the lamp was put out. However, the second time the lamp was lit, the clone would attempt to kill whoever lit the lamp and would not disappear until one of them was dead.

"And the only way to get rid of the lamp permanently is to have someone steal it from you. If we try to sell it, whomever we sold it to would bring it back. We tried throwing it away, but somebody would always bring it back to us. And it won't break either. You have no idea how many hammers I've ruined trying to smash it." Ayaka scowled. "Knowing what that is I won't take it from you. You'll have to content yourselves with not lighting the accursed thing."

"Have you ever tried giving it to someone as a gift?" Itachi asked.

"Well…no." Ayaka was a bit confused by the question. "It's against our family tradition to give away things for free."

"I see… Thank you." Itachi turned to his partner. "I have a solution to our problem."

They got back just in time to stop Deidara from lighting the lamp and explained the situation to everyone else. Itachi then reveiled his idea for getting rid of the thing…

Sasuke was enjoying his fangirl free moment of meditation when a knock at the door interrupted him from his mantra ("Itachi must die. Itachi must die." Ad infinitum). Wondering who would be bothering him at this hour and dreading the answer, he got up to see who was there. Much to his relief, it was only a Courier Ninja.

"Mail for you." The courier said in a clipped tone, and handed him a package neatly wrapped in brown paper and string. There was a note on it that read, "From: a fan (3)."

"Thank you." He said, paying the man and going back inside. "This had better not be another one of Orochimaru's sick gifts…" he shuddered, remembering the kimono with "Orochimaru's Body" embroidered on the back.

Unwrapping the package, he reached in and pulled out the contents. Paper to keep what was inside from rattling around, and…

"Hn. A lamp." He turned it this way and that, inspecting the craftsmanship. "I did need to replace the one in my room…"

Bum…bum…buuuuumm! Heheheh poor Sasuke…Here's a challenge to the depraved masses out there: Write what happens to Sasuke. As for me… it's time for us to finally find out what the big deal is about the Accursed Possessed Bra!

1 Red piece of foolishness is actually a reference to a funny rant my cousin does about a car an acquaintance tried to sell him. It's also fun to say out loud. Come on, say it with me now…red piece of foolishness!

2 Someone asked me about the Miracle Gro cracks I've been making about Zetsu. All I can say is my friends and I used to make the same jokes about Piccolo from the Dragonball series and I can't help myself. Plant monsters/aliens/mutants and Miracle Gro just seem to go together like rice and miso soup.

3 If you're thinking this is a play on symbols then you're absolutely right. Unfortunately for Sasuke, he doesn't look underneath the underneath nearly enough.


	6. The Path to Chaos is Paved with Ignoranc

"And thou shalt run with scissors, and corner thine enemy." –Fiskars 2:14 (headline from Fark)

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Part Six: The Path to Chaos is Paved with Ignorance  
By Kaori

There are no words in any language (except maybe Klingon but they have words for stuff you don't even want to think about) for the level of insanity that was unleashed upon the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, heterosexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, hermaphrodites, transgender people, cats (1), and extraterrestrials of all ages (I didn't leave out anybody did I?), prepare your minds for the acid trip of the century!

Our sordid story begins on week of great joy in the ninja community, one that normally passes with minimal incident. This year, unfortunately, was going to be different. No one was going to forget it...until the Great Amnesia Dust (2) Disaster but that's not for a long time and another story entirely.

It's Golden Week in the shinobi world (not to be confused with Golden Week in Japan. Same concept, different set of holidays) and each day was a different event.

"I can't believe your making me get up early just to play an elaborate game of hide and seek." Mumbled Shikamaru, pulling on his chuunin vest. His mother smacked him upside the head.

"It's not just a game of hide and seek. This will test your ninja skills, you should be thankful for the chance to publicly show your skills to the village."

"How can it be public? The village never finds out the results until the end."

"As opposed to regular missions where they never know in the first place?" glared Shikamaru's mother.

_Damn, she's got me there. Bah, it's too troublesome to be right all the time._

In the big scheme of things Mark Day, or Shinobi Open Season as it was jokingly called, did amount to nothing more than a convoluted game of hide and seek. However, if you thought about it from another angle, it was like a mission in a large castle where you had to locate and kill your targets (never mind that in this scenario the corpses breathe and do everything in their power to sabotage you).

There are twenty participants of chuunin and gennin rank that will be sneaking around and hiding in the village. Seven gennin try to capture three shinobi and win the prize. This year it's three thousand ryou and no D-Rank missions for a week. However, of the twenty people hiding, the one who avoids capture for the longest period of time would receive the same prize. If for some reason all the targets were not captured (as was the case one year when Kakashi was one of the targets and was not found until the following afternoon when the Yondaime realized he'd been at home sleeping the entire time) whoever captured two ninjas in the shortest amount of time would win.

Shikamaru, Neji, Naruto, Sasuke, Shino, and Hinata were among the twenty shinobi hiding. Sakura, Ino, Kiba, and Lee were seekers. Chouji and TenTen had opted not to participate and were instead asked to help keep tabs on the seven seekers and time when they had captured their mark.

At this point in time I want to deviate from tonight's program for a few moments to check on the Akatsuki…

"Right foot, green." Said Ted-sama.

"OW! Dammit Kisame take the damn sword off your back!" yelled Sasori who had been smacked upside the head for the fourteenth time that afternoon.

"No." smirked Ksiame.

"Whose elbow is that?" growled Zetsu.

"I don't know, whose ass is this?" blinked Itachi. "Never mind, I'll find out for myself. Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Tobi and in a remarkable show of agility he leapt up from a backwards crab position (think that chick from The Exorcist) and ran towards the bathroom to put himself out.

Aah, Game Night at the Akatsuki (3)…always amusing. Now back to Konoha's Mark Day festivities already in progress.

Sasuke, used to hiding from fangirls, had already thought about where he was going to hide and at what times (they had to change hiding places every fifteen minutes) so he felt that he would win for certain. However, what he didn't count on was bumping into Lee halfway on his way to his third hiding place.

"Yosh! You're the first one I've caught! If I can't capture another person in ten minutes I shall treat Naruto to ramen! And if I am unable to pay for the ramen, I shall wash the dishes! And if I accidentally break any of the dishes…"

Sasuke was mortified. He was captured after only half an hour… and by _Lee_ of all people; not cool. If that's how things were going to be he was going to do his damndest to make sure that Lee did _not_ win this contest. Taking a page from the Civilians Guide to Rudimentary Self-Defence, Sasuke proceeded to make as much noise as possible.

While it took half an hour for Lee to capture Sasuke, it only took two minutes for Kiba to capture Shikamaru who didn't even attempt to hide, but lay on top of the roof of the Academy staring at the clouds where anybody passing by could see him. When asked about it later on he gave his usual answer with the addition that if Kiba hadn't found him Ino would have and that was the last thing he wanted. Being Ino's prisoner was much worse than being her teammate.

Nobody had found Hinata or Neji yet (although some people suspected that they were both hiding in the Hyuuga compound where no one else would dare to enter…or would they?), and a few people had caught one of Naruto's kagebunshin's but nobody had any idea where the blonde was actually hiding (save for Tsunade and Shizune and neither were willing to volunteer that information, but we will).

Naruto was hiding in the Hokage's office, impersonating the Hokage and (surprisingly) doing her paperwork. Tsunade had (in a fit of responsibility) sorted her paperwork into two piles: the Delegate (AKA Make Genma, Raido, and Aoba do it) pile, and the Non-Issue (AKA Die in a Fire) pile. Currently, Naruto was stamping things in the Die in a Fire pile when he came across something interesting, a letter from Hyuuga Hiashi demanding that the Hyuuga's Accursed Possessed Bra be branded an S-Class secret and any mention of it punishable by death. This perked his curiosity.

He remembered hearing about it during the play but hadn't really thought about it until now. _Why_ was there a possessed _bra_ of all things? Furthermore, _why_ would the Hyuuga's of all people have it? What exactly was so horrible about it that Hiashi would go out of his way to make demands of the Hokage? He had to know, for the sake of his own comfort he _needed_ to know. Tomorrow, while everyone was distracted by the events for Kunoichi Appreciation Day, he was going to find out.

"Because online, nobody knows that you're a cat."

Amnesia Dust is from 8-Bit Theatre. Google it, read it, love it.

I dare anybody who is even slightly artistically inclined to draw this. Extra points for pics of the Akatsuki playing Life or Pictionary.

Authors note: Plans are being made for the animation of the Shinobi's Guide series. At this moment I'm looking for artists because I have no confidence in my drawing abilities. If worse comes to worse I'll draw it myself. Once I get the art squared away, then and _only_ then will I look for voice actors.


	7. The Unmentionable

Some of you may want to kill me at the end of this chapter...

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Part Seven: The Unmentionable  
By Kaori

"What are you doing here? Better yet, how did you _get_ in here?"

Neji was surprisingly calm despite finding Naruto rifling through his closet. He didn't stay that way when the blonde turned to him with a creepy expression on his face.

"Where is it?" he hissed like a possessed person.

"W…wha…what are you t…talking about?" Ah, Neji is channelling Hinata.

"Don't play dead goat with me (1). You know what I'm after!"

"No…not that…"

"Yes! Give it to me!"

"Never!"

"Then you leave me no choice!" Naruto's look turned ominous. "Oiroke no Jutsu!" POOF. "Oooooh Neeejii-kuuuuun."

"GAH!" Neji's noise erupted in a crimson fountain of blood and he was propelled into the wall. The next thing he knew, Naruto was sitting on his stomach. "I don't care what you do to me… you'll never get my blankie!"

"What? I came here for the Accursed Possessed Bra!"

"Er…you did?"

"Mmm hmmm." Naruto nodded and then gave him a sly smile. "Blankie huh?"

"If you tell anyone…" Neji started but was cut off by the blonde wagging an admonishing finger at him.

"If I tell anyone it won't matter what you do to me, your reputation as the cool genius will be completely ruined anyway. You'll be the laughing stock of the village."

"You wouldn't…"

"Oh I would, but I may be tempted not to if you do me a little favour…"

And thus, Neji found himself in front of the one door everyone in the Hyuuga family dreads, the one that sends Hiashi into a fit of curse seal activation and paranoid delusions of… well no one's really sure what, but whatever he thinks of seems to make him even more curse seal happy. Oh well, it was this or his reputation… but is his reputation really worth it?

I said it before, and I'll say it again: pride is overrated.

"Thank you Neji, you've been a great help." Naruto gave the older boy another manic grin before kicking the door open and walking in. Neji shivered.

"What have I done?"

The room was dark, dusty, cold, and smelled like old people. Naruto ignored all of this; he had a mission and he was going to complete it, old people smell be damned. Unfortunately he had no idea where to start looking. "Neji! Get in here and help me!" he yelled towards the open door.

"No." Neji's voice filtered back.

"Blankie!"

"Damn it!"

Outside in the village, completely unaware of what was going on in the Hyuuga Household (not that they are privy to that kind of information anyway but still) Kunoichi Appreciation Day was in full swing with the Miss Konoha Kunoichi Pageant.

Any single kunoichi under the age of thirty was eligible (much to the chagrin of Tsunade) and there were fifteen contestants that would compete in tests of skill, grace, talent, and the ever-popular swimsuit competition.

Today's panel of judges consisted of Shiranui Genma, Hatake Kakashi, Umino Iruka, Jiraiya, and Aburame Shino. Why Shino? We may never know.

Competing for the crown (and the twenty-thousand ryou): Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura, TenTen, Yuhi Kurenai, Mitarashi Anko, Uzuki Yugao (2), Inuzuka Hana, and seven other kunoichi.

"Why can't we just skip to the swimsuit competition?" grumbled Jiraiya.

"A better question is how did you end up being a judge?" Genma raised an eyebrow. "Wasn't Gai supposed to do it instead?" Both Jiraiya and Kakashi made it a point not to look at anything but the stage. "You guys…"

Naruto stood awestruck at the sight before him while Neji was content to hide behind a box full of old clothes.

"This is…" the blonde reached for the object.

"Don't touch it!" shrieked Neji. You have no idea what will happen if you touch it!"

"I only want to take a closer look, Neji."

"Don't do it Naruto. That thing was locked away for a reason."

"Blankie!"

"Gah! Fine, do what you want!"

"I thought so." Smirked Naruto, slowly picking up the frilly white object. Instantly, the world around them was bathed in white and the last thing he remembered hearing was Neji screaming something about the end of the world as they know it. (3)

Outside, the judges were watching the talent portion of the competition. Unlike the skill segment, the contestants were required to showcase a non-shinobi ability. On the stage was Anko who had just finished reciting a poem out of Icha Icha Paradise Volume Two in hopes of winning over Jiraiya and Kakashi. She knew Iruka and Genma would vote for her because they fear for their lives, the only question was what score she'd get from the stoic Shino.

"Ten points!" raved Jiraiya.

"Ten." Agreed Kakashi.

"Sev…" Iruka started to say when he saw Anko glare at him. "Er… I mean ten points."

"Ten points." Genma said quickly.

"..." Shino stared at Anko for a moment. "Eight." Anko made a mental note to maim Shino the first opportunity she got.

"All right, that's a total of forty-eight points for Anko in the talent portion." Announced Ebisu. "Next up, contestant number eight: Inuzuka Hana who will be demonstrating how to properly give an enema to a dog."

"Not so fast, honey!" a new voice yelled and a curvaceous figure suddenly dropped down onto the stage. "This show is now mine!" The figure stood up slowly, revealing a tall young woman with curves in all the right places and legs that went on forever. Jiraiya's hands were raised in thanksgiving at the sight in front of him. Hugging the mysterious girl's hips was a black leather miniskirt with a matching halter top (that seemed far too small given her ample bosom), thigh high boots, and gloves that went up to her elbows. Long blonde hair was done up in a ponytail, the end of which brushed enticingly just above her butt. Sky blue eyes gazed at the crowd teasingly.

Ebisu, fighting every perverted instinct in his body at the moment, tried to remove the stranger from the stage. "Now….now look, you can't just enter. I mean, we're almost at the end of the competition…"

"Hmmm?" the woman batted her eyes at him, before draping herself over his shoulder; waves of jealousy and hate washed over the audience and judges panel. "I'm sure you can make an…exception for little me." She rubbed against him seductively which was all the poor man could take. He fainted. "Hello everybody, you can call me Ururu-chan (4) and I'm going to sing and dance for you!" Several men in the audience cheered while the women scowled. Who the hell does this bitch think she is?

Nobody knows when the music started, or who was playing it, and the men certainly didn't care. They just prayed it wouldn't be over too quickly.

Back at the Hyuuga mansion, Neji was slowly coming too his senses. "Oh dear sweet kami-sama what have I done?" he murmured, noticing the distinct lack of Naruto; the Accursed Possessed Bra was also nowhere to be seen.

_Well, they're screwed now…Okay maybe that's not the best choice of words but it doesn't make it any less true. Hiashi is going to have a conniption, and what is Ururu really? Find out next time!_

(1) I love that expression. So much better than "don't play dumb."

(2) You remember? Hayate's girlfriend, the one that swore to avenge him.

(3) If I stopped there the death threats would never end…

(4) Ururupuin is the Micronesian goddess of flirting. I thought I'd shorten it and use it for this character. Behold! Evil, sexy, Mary-Sue character! I've never purposely written a Mary Sue before. Hopefully things won't get too out of hand. But then again, this _is_ a Shinobi's Guide; things are supposed to get out of hand.


	8. Armageddon or Just Plain Hell

"I'm gonna be a horny bastard, believe it!"

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms

Part Eight: Armageddon or Just Plain Hell  
By Kaori

Naruto was utterly confused. One minute, he was standing in a storage room in the Hyuuga compound, the next he was standing in front of the seal gate staring at a very smug-looking Kyuubi. "What are you so happy about?"

"It's the end of the world!" was the gleeful reply.

"You always say that." Glared Naruto.

"This time I mean it." If anything the Kyuubi's smug look got bigger. "And it's all thanks to you. I must say, of all the people in the world to cause Armageddon I didn't think it would be you."

"WHAT!" the blonde was appropriately horrified.

"Well…maybe Armageddon is too strong a term for it." Mused the demon idly. "Hell on Earth is more accurate."

"Huh?" and he's back to being confused. "What do you mean "Hell on Earth?" Better still, what am I doing here?" The Kyuubi regarded him curiously.

"You really have no idea what you have just done, do you?"

"If I did would I bother asking you?"

Kyuubi looked at the human in front of him, blinked, and then did something he hadn't done in years; he laughed. Not a chuckle, snicker, or an amused snort but a full-on, rolling around gasping for breath laugh.

Meanwhile, Konoha was in a state of mayhem. Ururu had her male audience completely captivated with the sound of her voice and the female portion of the audience infuriated. To make matters worse whenever any of the women tried to grab the microphone away from her one of the men would attack them.

"Face it heifers, they don't want you anymore." Laughed Ururu. "After all, why settle for hamburger when you can have filet mignon?"

"Oh that is _it_!" yelled Sakura, leaping for Ururu's throat. "You're dead bitch!" The blonde smirked and simply stepped lightly out of the way .

"I see I'm going to have to make things a bit clearer for you…" a devilish smile played across her features before she brushed her hand lightly across Sakura's face. "You belong to me now…" she spun the girl around and slammed her palm into her forehead.

"Sakura!" cried Tenten and Ino.

Sakura staggered back, dazed and then let out a gasp. A mark in the shape of a broken heart appeared on her forehead and she knelt at Ururu's feet. "What is it you command, Ururu-sama?" The women onstage gasped in horror.

"What did you do to her?" demanded Ino. Ururu pretended to inspect her nails. "Answer me!"

"I just made her see things from my point of view is all. I made her see that she is, as are all of you, inferior to me and that her only option was to be my servant." Deadpanned the temptress.

"Give her back!" screamed Ino.

"Sakura…"

"As you wish, Ururu-sama." Nodded Sakura, intercepting Ino before she could attack Ururu and forcing the other blonde to her knees. "You will see Ino, things are better this way…"

The others onstage, not about to let Ururu have her way, made to attack."

"Why must you be so stubborn?' pouted Ururu. "Boys, restrain them."

"Anything for Ururu-chan!" The males declared as a unit, and immediately set upon the attacking women.

Neji staggered out of the Hyuuga Estate practically tripping over himself. He did _not_ want to be anywhere near there when Hiashi found out someone had brought the curse of the Accursed Possessed Bra down on their heads. As he ran through the streets of Konoha, he noticed the distinct lack of people wandering about. "Where is everyone?" he wondered. "Byakugan…" Spotting a crowd near the Miss Konoha Kunoichi Pageant stage, he made his way there. What he saw made him even more determined to get out of dodge.

Some men and women were restraining several other women and hauling them towards a single, blonde, incredibly sexy woman. The strange woman would then touch the restrained person's forehead and they would become completely docile. The now subdued person would join the others in restraining the fighting women. Neji was very unnerved to see TenTen, Sakura, and Ino amongst those rounding up women. Knowing no good would come of getting caught Neji went to look for help.

Uchiha Sasuke, one of a handful of males who did not attend the festivities, was enjoying something that only comes about once every blue moon: a day without fangirls. This time he was not going to ruin it by opening mysterious packages with dubious return addresses. Unfortunately, he was about to learn that there were more horrifying things in this world than fangirls.

"Will you stop laughing and tell me what the hell is going on?" Naruto raged. The Kyuubi had been laughing at him for well over an hour now (in his reckoning, who knows how much time has really passed by) and it was really ticking him off.

"To put it simply you unleashed the Goddess of Lust and Jealousy on the world and now she's going to turn every human into her slaves."

"I don't remember doing that."

"I suppose I shall have to make it even more simple for your feeble mind." Snorted Kyuubi. "I'm not sure of the exact details but some time ago Ururu, Goddess of Lust and Jealousy was attempting to conquer the world and turn it into her playground. Why you humans thought this would be such a bad thing I don't understand; your free will in exchange for orgies every single day doesn't sound so bad to me…"

"Does this story have a point other than to highlight what a horny bastard you are?" glared Naruto.

"Shut up fool, I'm getting there."

"I'll bet you are…"

"Hmph, you have the nerve to chastise me when you're the one using innuendo as a comeback? And speaking of c…"

"Just get on with your story already!"

"Heheheh, anyway, somewhere along the line she was stopped and sealed away by a human; the object used was that bra you touched and by doing so, you've just opened up a very erotic can of worms..."

_Yes this chapter is short, and I know you hate it but if I go any further with this chapter I'm going to have to change the rating (trust me, I have a very smutty scene in my head that I'd rather not write). Take heart because the next one is longer and full of Neji, Sasuke, and two others attempting to save the world! Also, we finally find out where Naruto is…_


	9. Because Reality Isn't Nearly Screwed Up

_No one knows from where he comes  
__Flying briskly across the sand  
__He soars without sound through the night  
__Spreading fear across the land  
__He flies where no one goes collecting what he can  
__Destroying foes  
__And never facing death because he wears a big, damn mask  
__Which saves his skin from the scorching sun  
__The Demon of the Desert  
__A K A  
__Desert Punk!  
__Desert Punk!  
__Desert Punk!_

"Ahahahaha! I _own_ this desert bitches!"

If you ever get to watch Desert Punk (Sunabouzu), substitute Kanta for Gaara and laugh your head off. In fact, I think Sunabouzu is going to be my new nickname for Gaara.

The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Part Nine: Because Reality isn't Nearly Screwed Up Enough  
By Kaori

Running away wasn't something Neji was used too, but if it meant he wasn't going to be a soulless love-slave to the evil blonde goddess then he would run. Neji was so busy running that he failed to pay attention to a certain angsty avenger coming around the corner.

"Oof!" grunted both boys.

"Watch where you're going!" glared Sasuke, upon realizing who had bumped into him the glare intensified. "For someone who's supposed to be able to see 360 degrees around himself you sure are clumsy."

"Now is not the time for witty banter Uchiha, we've got problems." And Neji proceeded to explain the situation to the petulant Uchiha.

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and being on the same team as Naruto I've heard some pretty dumb things."

"Say what you like it doesn't make it any less true." Countered Neji. "Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me but we need to work together if we're going to save the village."

"I'm still not convinced the village even needs saving."

"Look, it's Uchiha Sasuke!" a female voice yelled.

"If we capture him Ururu-sama will reward us!" said another.

"Yeah, she might even be willing to share some of her men with us!"

"Okay, I'm convinced, what do we do?" Sasuke said quickly.

"For now, run." Replied Neji.

The Hyuuga household was a warzone. Branch House and Main House members alike were fighting off the intruders: a horde of dominatrix. Hanabi had long-since fallen to their evil and was helping them attack her family. Hinata, was trying very hard not to hurt anybody too badly all the while wondering what had become of Neji and her father was wondering the same thing.

"The Hyuuga will never fall to your evil! Kaiten!" roared the clan head as he knocked away seven of the leather-clad women. "This is no normal evil, this is the doing of the bra… but who would be so foolish? Furthermore, where is Neji…"

"I think we're safe for now." Sighed Neji. He and Sasuke were hiding out behind the counter of Ichiraku Ramen of all places.

"If this is all Naruto's fault why don't you make him help you?" Sasuke asked.

"Because I don't know where he is. He disappeared along with the bra."

"You sure that's not him controlling all these people."

"Well, he has done it before…"

"He has?"

"Er…yeah. Look, never mind about that now, I know that woman wasn't Naruto, the chakra's completely different." Sasuke was about to interject but Neji cut him off. "And there's no trace of that weird chakra Naruto uses either."

"Ooh Neeeeejiiiiii…" a voice cooed, causing both boys to flinch and look up. TenTen was leering at them.

"Dammit!" they said simultaneously and ran off.

Elsewhere, Gai and Lee were surrounded by eight kunoichis and four village women all clad in the alluring skin-tight cat suit that seemed to be their uniform. They were trying to decide whether or not to take them to Ururu or to lock them up with the old and ugly men. So far they were seriously considering the latter.

"Gai-sensei what do we do?" Lee asked, panicked.

"Lee there comes a time in every man's life when he must surrender to the power of the female will." Gai said sagely. As usual, Lee was in awe.

"Gai-sensei…"

"Now is not that time! Konoha Senpuu!"

A truly impressive, but ultimately futile, battle began, too bad no one else was around to see it.

Back to Neji and Sasuke who had managed to shake TenTen off of their trail. Against Sasuke's better judgment (not that he actually has much of that to begin with) he led Neji to the Uchiha quarter and they both hid in the police station.

"So what's the plan for fixing this mess?" he asked, after he and the Hyuuga prodigy finished barricading the door.

"Ururu is the Goddess of Lust and Jealousy," Neji explained. "basically it's like dealing with the Kyuubi only worse. The only way to deal with a god is to call on another one."

"What about the Yondaime's jutsu? It killed Kyuubi it could probably kill Ururu." Reasoned Sasuke.

"You're forgetting Yondaime died after performing it. If you want to die so badly you do it, if you know how that is. Besides, killing off a god might piss of another one and the last thing we need is another god running amok around here."

"So what are we supposed to do?"

"There's a shrine underneath the Hyuuga Main House. We can ask the gods for help there, the problem lies in getting passed all those love-zombies…" he glanced at Sasuke.

"Don't even think about it Hyuuga, I'd sooner kill myself."

"There's just one thing I don't understand." Grumbled Naruto.

"Only _one_ thing?" snorted Kyuubi.

"Bastard fox."

"Circus monkey."

"Worthless fleabag."

"Ignorant brat."

"Yo mama!"

"What about her?"

"Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread!"

"…you do realize that if the bread was free in the first place, even though the intent was to steal it, the act in and of itself becomes moot because she wouldn't have had to pay for it in the first place?"

"AARGH!"

"Heheheheh….I win."

Okay, that was weird. Let's check on the Akatsuki and… what's this? They're not there! Where could they have run gone? Oh well, I'm sure they'll turn up, they always do. Since we can't seem to find them, let's see what's happening in the village.

Gai and Lee could only fight off the women for so long before they were finally captured and dragged before Ururu.

"Ooh, more men for my harem? Ugh, oh no no no this will not do, you two are far too…too…words fail to adequately describe what I feel at this moment."

"Young lady, you are obviously overwhelmed by our burning flames of youth!" roared Gai.

"Hardly." Ururu waved a hand negligently, and then rested one hand on her hip and leaned forward so her nose was almost touching Gai's. "Now, why don't you be a good boy and help me round up the stragglers? It would be such a shame if I was made to wait any longer, don't you think?" she batted her eyes and they flashed for an instant.

"I don't know what you're waiting for but you will get no aid from me!"

"What! How can this be? You should be under my control now!"

"You underestimate the power of Gai-sensei!" Lee piped up, surprising Ururu once more.

"But, you're men! I should be able to seduce you into doing stupid and dangerous things! (1)" the goddess grew angry. "Throw them in the dungeon with the old and unattractive. I shall deal with them later." Gai practically fainted in shock.

"Un…unattractive!"

"Yes, you're hideous, unsightly, ugly, and completely repulsive. That spandex suit is an eyesore and your hair looks like you lost a fight with butcher." Gai really did go into shock after that.

"Gai-sensei! Gai-sensei!" wailed Lee, hoping to snap his beloved teacher out of his stupor but to no avail. Both were dragged away.

"Fools…"

Back to Sasuke and Neji as they snuck towards the Hyuuga compound. They'd almost been spotted numerous times, but the combination of the Sharingan and Byakugan running surveillance simultaneously was proving most effective in helping to avoid Ururu's soldiers. Plus, they are sneaky bastards.

Outside the walls, Neji led Sasuke to a hole in the wall that was concealed by a large bush. Sasuke made a comment about the Hyuuga security being lax. Neji just said that this wasn't an ordinary hole in the wall and he'd understand in a minute.

"WHY THE HELL DOES THIS HOLE LEAD INTO HANABI'S ROOM?"

"Because nobody in their right mind would ever come in here willingly, now stop spazzing and follow me."

"Uchiha's don't spaz." Pouted Sasuke.

Luckily for them the mansion was deserted as all the residents had either been captured or turned to the dark side. They ran by the room where the bra had been and stood before what appeared to be a solid brick wall.

"What I'm about to show you is never to be revealed to anyone else, do you understand?"

"In order to do that I'd have to admit to willingly teaming up with you." Snorted Sasuke. "Let's just get this over with."

Naruto was staring down Kyuubi with all the annoyance he could muster.The demon merely regarded him the way a pre-school teacher looks at a small child who has just done something to simultaneously amuse and please.

"Enough with the mind games already." Naruto said. "Why are you keeping me here?"

"Foolish child, it is not I who keeps you imprisoned here, it is another. Haven't you noticed the slight change in scenery?"

Naruto looked around; there was a distinct lack of water around his ankles. "What the hell? What's going on here?"

"You see brat, we are not in your mind."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?"

"If you would simply turn around you'd be able to see it for yourself."

Not wanting to turn his back to the demon fox, Naruto turned sideways and turned his head to look. "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT!"

"I thought that was fairly obvious." Kyuubi leered.

"I know what it is baka kitsune I meant what the hell is it doing here!"

Naruto was staring at the inside of a gigantic bra that, if you were to put it on the Hokage Monument (hmmm…that might be good for a couple of laughs…) it would cover the eyes of Sandaime while the strap would lay across the faces of the Nidaime and Yondaime.

"Don't you recognize the Accursed Possessed Bra, boy?" yawned Kyuubi, getting bored and deciding to send Naruto a couple of mental pictures.

"I only saw it from the front." Muttered Naruto trying very hard _not_ to imagine the size of the breasts that would need to fill it. "Stop that! I know what you're doing!"

"Heheheh, all fun aside when you touched the bra Ururu reached back out and dragged you into it and pulled herself out."

"So you mean to tell me we're trapped inside the Accursed Possessed Bra?"

"Precisely."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasp) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…."

Kyuubi sighed. This was going to take a while.

By now some of you are wondering if Naruto's body is also inside the bra then how is it he's talking to Kyuubi in front of the seal cage? This is a question akin to asking, "How do you know you're not just a brain in a vat?" If you're not a philosopher or a mental patient (some argue this is the same thing) the simple answer is that it wouldn't matter if you were a brain in a vat because you wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway; brains have no bodies so there is no escape (and escape to where exactly). But, the good news is that you're not a brain in a vat. If you don't believe me look in a mirror, you would have no concept of what you looked like if you were a brain in a vat. And if that doesn't convince you the fact that you're thinking about it should. A brain in a vat has no concept of brains and or vats.

But, enough philosophical conjecture, accept things as they are and let's check on Neji and Sasuke.

Both boys were standing before a shrine that, despite where it was located, was very much well taken care of. There was no dust on the floor and an offering had been left on the altar earlier that morning.

"So," ventured Sasuke. "which god are we calling on anyway?"

"The only one that can help us in this dire time. Now I need you to stand over there." Neji pointed to a space on the right side of the shrine.

"Why?"

"It's part of the ceremony."

"…" Sasuke did as he was told. "Now what?"

"Don't move." Neji walked up to the alter and bowed three times. He then picked up a large paper fan that was resting between the candles and waved it over the offering a few times before rapidly turning around and smacking Sasuke in the face with it.

"WHAT THE HELL…" his angry tirade was cut off by the sound of thunder. A flash of light, a puff of smoke, and standing before them was what appeared to be Rick James.

"Who has summoned the God ofBitch Smacking?" (2)

_The stunning (not really) conclusion of saga of the Accursed Possessed Bra is coming! The God of Ho Smacking and the Goddess of Lust and Jealousy face-off for the battle to save Konoha. Gai and Lee inadvertently cause a prison break, and a few surprises as well._

(1) This line was stolen from Atelier Iris. Nippon Ichi Software makes some pretty decent games, though Iris isn't one of the better ones.

(2) The only difference (comedy-wise) between Jyuuken and Bitch Slappin' is that Bitch Slappin' focuses on the face.


	10. Do It 'Til Your Satisfied

(Southern Baptist Missionary voice) You cannot resist the power of the crackfic… Come over to the crack-side. All are welcome. All are welcome...The power of the crackfic compels you!

Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms  
Part Ten: Do It 'Til You're Satisfied  
By Kaori

Sasuke stared at the being in the jerry curls in a mixture of shock, annoyance, and curiosity. _This_ is a god? He didn't look very godly, he looked like he had run amok in a clothing store and came out with the loudest, flashiest things he could find; in an odd kind of way he reminded him of Naruto. Speaking of the dobe, where was he? The God of Bitch Smacking noticed his staring and bitchslapped him.

"The hell!"

"I ain't some kind of zoo exhibit for you to be starin' at, you dig. Disrespect me again and I'll mess you up playa." Thus spaketh the God of Bitch Smacking and he bitch slapped Sasuke again for emphasis. Said boy went flying into the wall.

"Excuse me your pimpness but we need your help." Neji said. "The Goddess of Lust and Jealousy…"

"Not that bitch again." Groaned the god. "I thought I took care of that. I am not going to wear myself out dealing with her bitchy ass..." He snapped his fingers and a short, fat demon in a pinstripe suit and a bowler hat appeared. "Leroy get my cousin up here." The demon, Leroy, nodded and disappeared. A few seconds later Leroy returned with a peeved looking Tupac clone. "Not him Leroy! I meant my _other_ cousin." Leroy and "Tupac" disappear.

"Who was that if you don't mind me asking?"

"The God of Gangsta Rap."

"There's a God of Gangsta Rap?" mumbled Sasuke.

"Of course, every musical genre has a god. Rock and Roll has more than I care to recall. There used to be a God of Country Rock but he got beat up by four of the other Rock gods (1)."

A huge puff of smoke appeared and Leroy was back with A Pimp Named Slickback (2) (AKA The God of Ho Smacking). "For what reason have you summoned me here. I got important bidness I need to be taking care of and I cannot afford to be delayed."

"Ururu's being a skank. I dealt with her last time, it's your turn." Said the God of Bitch Smacking.

"Hell no, she's your ex-girlfriend you deal with her."

"But she's _your_ sister, which means she's not my problem. Don't make me call the God of Pimpin' on you. He told you a hundred times to keep an eye on her loose behind."

"No, don't tell daddy! I'll do it! I'll do it!" whined The God of Ho Smacking.

"Good. I'm leaving. Be done before six, you know how Big Mama gets when you show up late for dinner..." And he was gone leaving Neji and a slightly concussed Sasuke alone with the God of Ho Smacking.

In the Realm of the Accursed Possessed Bra Naruto had finally stopped screaming much to Kyuubi's relief (his sensitive ears could barely take Naruto at normal volume). Well, actually Naruto had managed to scream himself temporarily mute, which left him with glaring openly at Kyuubi, pouting, mentally cursing, and throwing silent tantrums. He could start panicking again once he got his voice back. Since nothing too interesting is going on in there let's see what Ururu is up to…

"Aaaahh, don't stop…"

Okay, no! Let's NOT see who she's doing…er… I mean….well…ummm…Oh look, there's Kisame and Itachi!

"Itachi, what are we doing in Wind Country?"

"I just wanted to check on something that's all." Itachi said in his why-must-you-bother-me-with-useless-questions tone, which ultimately meant that he was up to something and didn't want to tell you because you're going to make a fuss. His partner picked up on this right away.

"Don't tell me you stole Ted-sama's Haiku book (3) again!"

"Fine I won't tell you."

"If he catches you with it he's going to murder you, you realize this right?"

"And threin lies my salvation. As they say, "Possession is nine tenths of the law." If I don't have it when he finds me he can't kill me because he can't prove I stole it."

"Did I mention that you scare me Itachi?"

"I'm Uchiha Itachi, I scare everyone." (4)

"Including yourself, yeah." Deidara said, popping up unexpectedly and startling Kisame. At this point one would normally ask "what are you doing here?" but if a ninja has snuck up on you it is already too late to be asking such things so Itachi settled for glaring. "Can I borrow six hundred and thirty five thousand yen? They're having a sale on C4 in Suna and you're the only one with any money left, yeah."

"No. You still owe me five-hundred and eighty-eight thousand yen from the poker game last night."

"Oh come on, I'll pay it back yeah."

"You're not getting any cash from me until you pay me back."

"Fine, then I guess I'll just tell Ted-sama where to find his Haiku book."

"…how much did you need again?"

Now that you have been properly distracted, let's go back to Konoha and see if Ururu is done…how to put this so I don't have to change the rating…ah yes…doing the horizontal tango (5).

Ururu wasn't the least bit tired but decided to relax in a chaise lounge and have a half-naked Iruka (6) feed her grapes just for the hell of it. She'd get back to…business once she got sufficiently bored. She had long since sent her slaves to scour the village for anyone who may have been hiding and to ensure that she wasn't disturbed. Too bad those mortal slaves have no way of keeping out a god that is determined to collect his merchandise.

The door to the chamber burst open letting in a rolling fog. Standing in the doorway, dressed in purple suits, fur coats and fedoras were The God of Ho Smacking with Neji on his right and Sasuke at his left dressed in black business suits and sunglasses (looking for all the world like they should be in Pulp Fiction 2, Blues Brothers 2006, or Men in Black 3 whichever you find more appealing). "What the hell do you think you're doing?" demanded the God of Ho Smacking. Ururu went pale. "I thought I told you, no giving it away for free."

"You can't talk to me like that!" yelled Ururu.

"And who told you that? You are my little sister and daddy said I was in charge of you until mom comes back."

"In the Mortal Realm I'm a goddess first and your little sister second. You can't pull big brother rank here."

"Unfortunately you're right. In that case, Ururu, I challenge you to (a Xiaolin Showdown! just kidding. Cute show though.) A Game of the Gods!" There was a reverberating echo even thought the acoustics in the room shouldn't have allowed such a thing to occur.

"As the challenged I get to choose the contest." Smirked Ururu. "And I choose the Skill Challenge!"

"Why the hell do you always pick that one?"

"Because it's the only one that doesn't require senseless violence." She sniffed. "I simply detest it."

"You mean you can't stand it when people fight over anything else but you, damn you're vain whore."

"Shut up! Choose your mortal!"

"Wait a minute, what's this "choose your mortal" business?" demanded Sasuke, who was bitch slapped by The God of Ho Smacking. "What the hell was that for?"

"As the Sacrificial Bitch you don't have any right to address me directly." Said the God of Ho Smacking.

"Sacrificial WHAT?" another bitch slap for Sasuke; boy just doesn't seem to learn.

"Didn't whitey over there tell you?" he pointed at Neji. "In order to summon the God of Bitch Smacking you have to use a Sacrificial Bitch: whiny bitch, evil bitch, skanky bitch it don't matter. The minute he bitch-slapped you with the Sacred Fan of Bitch Smacking, you became the Sacrificial Bitch. Fortunately you're a man (albeit just barely) so the God of Bitch Smacking isn't allowed to spirit you away to have his wicked way with you."

"So how come you're allowed to hit me?" another bitch smack.

"Because I have been contracted to this particular assignment by the summoned god, bitch." GOHS (God of Ho Smacking) bitch slapped him again.

"Neji…" growled Sasuke.

"Yes?" the Hyuuga was smirking.

"When this is over you are dead."

"Can we get on with this please?" Ururu was tapping her foot impatiently. "I'm frustrated enough as it is without you idiots making me wait."

The God of Ho Smacking rolled his eyes and looked at Neji. "All right, who is the sneakiest person you know of?" Neji really had to think hard about that one.

Being a ninja meant you were already a sneaky bastard, but in a village full of sneaky bastards who was the sneakiest bastard of them all? Then he remembered something. The god had said "sneakiest person he knows _of_" not "sneakiest person he knows."

"Uchiha Itachi." Was the reply he came up with.

"WHAT!" roared Sasuke. There was a brief light show (accompanied by porn music for some strange reason; bow-chica-bow-bow) and in popped a confused-looking (as much as he can manage to look anyway) Itachi. Forgetting everything else, Sasuke immediately launched himself at his seemingly distracted brother. Itachi merely stepped to the side and watched dispassionately as his brother ran into a wall. "I _loathe_ you…." Sasuke groaned before losing consciousness.

"Foolish little brother, you still have much to learn." Murmured Itachi, straightening his cloak nonchalantly.

"Oooh he's hot! I wonder if he's any good in bed…" Ururu took a brief trip to Happy Hentai Land.

"Now who's taking too long?" snorted the GOHS.

"Screw you Tyrone!"

"No thanks, incest isn't my thing."

"Do gods normally bicker like children?" Itachi asked Neji.

"It sure seems that way." Sighed Neji.

"Why am I here? And no smart-ass philosophical remarks, only I am allowed to do that."

While Neji explained the why and how of Itachi's presence at the moment, the gods continued to bicker and Sasuke remained insensible (7) until Ururu got tired of arguing and summoned her choice mortal just as Sasuke regained consciousness.

"Kabuto?" he blinked and looked around frantically for Orochimaru. Seeing no sign of the evil pedophilic snake, he relaxed slightly.

"The rules are simple." Ururu stated. "Each champion will steal three objects. Points will be awarded to whoever steals the most difficult ones." She blinked. "Oh drat, we need an impartial party to be the judge."

"What about the Oh God of Hangovers (8)?" Suggested Tyrone.

"He's still around?"

"Of course. As long as there's a god of any type of alcoholic beverage there will be an Oh God of Hangovers. This one just happens to have a human shape now."

A puff of smoke, a low moan, and the sound of someone being ill in a potted plant and the Oh God of Hangovers had arrived, stained toga and all. "Oh _me_." He groaned, holding his head and looking like he was going to throw up any second. Tyrone absently pushed a glass of something very foul smelling into his hands and he chugged it down. "Thank you. You wanted something?"

"We need you to act as judge, Rob." Ururu said and explained the situation in more detail.

"Just one question, do you have any more of that stuff?"

"As much as you need."

"Then I'm at your service."

Neji, Tyrone, and Sasuke stood on one side of the room and Ururu on the other, Rob was standing in the middle of the room with Itachi on his left and Kabuto on his right. "Round one, commence!" Kabuto disappeared but Itachi remained where he was.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" raged Sasuke.

"I already have what I require." Itachi said smirking. Kabuto returned.

"Show." Said Rob.

"Sasuke's teddy bear." Kabuto said, holding up a ratty looking brown teddy-bear.

"Boo Boo-sama!" wailed Sasuke. "You give him back right now!" Neji looked at him and burst out laughing.

"Hahaha! You still sleep with a teddy bear!"

"Shut up Hyuuga!"

Itachi seemed bored. Slowly he pulled out a thin book. "Ted-sama's Haiku book." Kabuto, familiar with Akatsuki's leader through Orochimaru's daily rants, made a face. He knew he'd lost this round (9).

"Victory to Itachi." Said Rob. "Uggh…I think my headache's coming back…" Tyrone handed him another glass of the foul-smelling liquid which he downed quickly.

"What is that stuff anyway?" Neji asked.

"Every hangover cure ever devised in one shot." Tyrone replied.

"Even the one with the guacamole and olive oil?"

"Yes."

"Nasty."

"Very, but it works." Rob, Oh God of Hangovers, sighed contentedly. "Round Two commence." Both ninjas disappeared this time. Twenty seconds passed before they reappeared.

"Show." Commanded Rob.

"Genma's senbon." Said Itachi.

"Kakashi's copy of Icha Icha Paradise Volume 1." Kabuto said, looking significantly beat up.

"This means this next round is the tie-breaker." Rob said. "Round Three…commence." Itachi and Kabuto disappeared once again. Kabuto came back before Itachi did.

"Show."

"Gladly." Kabuto reached into his pocket. "The Shodai's underwear!"(10)

Neji and Sasuke were shocked, however Itachi didn't seem bothered in the least.

"Very good, Kabuto. However, not nearly good enough…" slowly he pulled out something lacy and white. Both Neji and Ururu looked incredibly shocked. Ururu started feeling her chest frantically.

"NOOOO!" she screamed.

"Behold, Ururu's bra." And suddenly, the world seemed to implode upon itself.

When Neji opened his eyes he was still standing next to Tyrone. Rob and Ururu were gone as were Itachi and Kabuto. Sasuke was rubbing his eyes trying to get his vision back, and standing where Ururu had been, was Naruto.

"Woah, what a trip…"

"YOU IDIOT!" roared Neji, and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Sasuke, finally able to see, decided to join in because somewhere, deep down inside, he felt the need to get revenge on Naruto for something besides this.

Out in the village, the populace was going through pretty much the same embarrassing ritual as one who spent the whole night drinking and woke up naked next to a complete stranger in an identical state of disrobement. The general consensus was to never speak of this incident again, and if Jiraiya wrote about it there would be high-heeled shoes in places best left alone. The Hokage herself, was especially adamant about no one bringing up the subject of her in a cat-suit and stiletto heels with Genma and Raido (wearing nothing but loincloths) on a leash.

As for the possessed bra…

"Where'd you get that Itachi?" leered Kisame.

"I got it from a woman."

"You sly dog you! I was worried when you disappeared all of a sudden but turns out you were out getting some. So tell me was she hot?"

"She was a goddess."

"Think you'll see her again."

"Let's hope not Kisame."

Since Neji and Sasuke had spent a good four hours beating Naruto to a bloody pulp, the Hokage felt that the blonde would only have to scrub all the toilets in Konoha for a year. Unfortunately for Neji, Hiashi felt that since he brought the curse of the Accursed Possessed Bra on the village, he must suffer some sort of punishment…

"Neji! It pleases me that you have come to join us on our pursuit of youthfulness!" beamed Gai.

"Only seven more weeks…" chanted Neji, as he stood before his sensei and teammates in his new green spandex suit and orange leg warmers.

And thus our saga comes to an end., but new adventures wait on the horizon...

(1)I'll let you decide who which one, although I insist one of them be the God of Classic Rock.  
(2) The Boondocks!  
(3) Hee hee, too much Peace Maker Kurogane last night…  
(4) No matter how hard I tried I couldn't say that out loud with a straight face.  
(5) I was going to say "making the beast with two backs" but thought it too Shakespearean.  
(6) Iruka needs some fan-service scenes dammit!  
(7) There was going to be a joke in here about Sasuke having ceased being sensible a long time ago, but it would have been too much.  
(8) From Hogfather. Damn but I love Discworld…  
(9) In comparison stealing from Sasuke is much easier than stealing from Akatsuki's leader. Not only that, you have a better chance of getting away with filching Sasuke's stuff.  
(10) Graverobbing at its dirtiest…


End file.
